My children, all 6 of them...

Ahh, where to start? Back in Sept 2001 I found out I was pregnant the first time. Jeremy was in Ca for training, I found out just a few days after he left. I was on birth control pills, but we see how well they worked for me. I was so excited! We had talked about kids,but never had a definite time frame of when we wanted to start trying. Anyways...I found out on a Friday, and ended up missing my nightly phone call :( He called Sat morning. I had told him and he was so shocked! I still dunno if he really believed me*L* He ended up warming up to the idea and we were excited together. At about 6 weeks, just a week or so before Jeremy was to come home, I started spotting. I went to the ER with my friend. The Dr did an u/s and things looked good. he put me on bed rest for a week and made an appt with the OB. Now, at that hospital you had to do an orientation class before seeing the OB. So, I sat through the class and saw the Dr, things still looked good. I got to see the little peanut and heard it's heartbeat. Jeremy came home and things were great. About a week after he came home I started spotting again. I went back to the ER. the Dr didn't even check me or anything, just said to go home and rest and call the OB in the morning. OK. We got home about 7PM, had some dinner then went to bed. I had been wearing a pad because of the spotting. I woke up about 1AM, got up to go to the bathroom and felt a gush. I didn't know what happened. Went to the bathroom and all I saw was blood. So much blood! I woke up Jeremy, freaking that I was dying. I didn't know I could lose so much blood and still be alive. How naive I was! We rushed to the ER, at this point I was cramping and bleeding. I soaked through about 4 pads, plus a towel in the 30 or so minutes I had been up. We get to the ER and they take me back right away. They get me out of my clothes, start me on monitors and hook me up to an IV. They take me back to do an u/s and find the baby had died. I was only about 8/9 weeks along. They take me back to my room, and because they were giving me so much fluid I had to keep going to the bathroom. Well, I had to walk down the hall, and the pads weren't holding anything. I remember looking behind me once, and you could see my footprints down the hall....Anyways, the OB on call came down and checked things out and gave me a shot of methergin to stop the contractions. It didn't work, so she gave me another shot. Still did not work. She ended up having to do an emergency DNC or else I would have bled to death. So, on Oct 29, 2001 we said goodbye to our first angel. We were never given a reason as to why we lost the baby. After recovery I went home and was told we could try again in 3 months...

OK, 3 months later. It was Jan and we decided we liked the idea of a baby. We decided to try again In Feb. We planned a nice weekend get away for Valentines weekend. I got pregnant right away, but before we could even be happy trouble started. Jeremy had to leave again in March for training, and not even a week after he left I had another miscarriage. It was hard going through it alone. It broke my heart to tell him over the phone I lost the baby. He wasn't able to come home either. On March 26, 2002 we said goodbye to our second angel. That m/c was not as traumatic physically as the first. We still had no answers as to why.

Jeremy came home in April and I got pregnant almost right away. We weren't trying, it was more of an oops. I refused to go to the Dr's there on post. I asked to go to a specialist. I saw a Dr in Kansas City, he ran some tests and said I had low progesterone. So, he put me on some pills and everything seemed fine. We moved from Ks to WA that summer, and the pregnancy was going great! I can remember the first time I felt him move. I was just shy of 18 weeks. I was absolutely thrilled. My Dr's appts were great, my pregnancy was great. As I had stated we just moved to WA. We had only been there for 2 months and didn't know many people. On Sunday, Sept 22, I had just sat down to watch some TV. Jeremy was on the computer doing some stuff for work. I had to go to the bathroom, and when I sat down I felt a small gush of fluid. Didn't think anything of it. I went and sat down and about 2 minutes later felt a bigger gush. I screamed, ran to the bathroom and Jeremy followed. There I was, in my pajamas, looking like I was peeing myself. There was a big puddle around my feet. I had no clue what happened. We rushed to the ER, which was less than a block away. We get there and are told, because we are military, we have to go to the military base. So, they take me by ambulance and Jeremy follows. We get to the hospital and they take me straight to L&D. The OB there does an u/s and sees my fluid is very low. The baby was OK, but because I was only 22 weeks there was nothing that could be done. We were faced with the knowledge that our baby was going to die. We had no other options. They moved me to a delivery room and hooked me up to all the monitors. We were shocked into silence. We didn't know what to do. Like I said before, we had nobody there. No friends, no family. We called our parents to let them know that my water broke and we were going to have a baby. We still didn't even know if the baby was a boy or a girl. When I woke up the next morning my contractions started. I also had a very high fever. I was so uncomfortable. I was hot, cold, in pain and scared. We were so young. I was 25, Jeremy was 26. Way too young to be faced with what we were facing. The nurse we had was great. She told us how things were going to be. How the baby would looked when he was born, what it'd be like if he were born alive. She prepared us for everything. I wish I knew her name. I would loved to have thanked her for everything she did. Anyways, they finally gave me an epidural at about 730 that night. Of course I had to go pee, but the epidural hadn't taken full effect yet. The nurse had me try on a bed pan first. As I was trying I felt the baby move down. I freaked and told Jeremy to get someone. The Dr and nurse rushed in. The Dr checked me and said she could feel the head. I was only about 4 CM dilated, but big enough for the baby to pass through. They got everything prepped. I remember being so scared. I didn't want to give birth to my baby yet. I didn't want to possibly watch him die. I prayed for him to be a miracle and to beat the odds. But sadly, after one small push, my son was born into the cruel world, motionless, lifeless. We didn't know he had passed away. No one is clear on how long he'd been dead, but that is OK. I am thankful that I didn't have to watch him suffer. Thankful that I didn't have to watch him fight a losing battle. Jeremy watched him being born, and immediately fell to the chair crying. They took the baby away, cleaned him up, then asked if I wanted to hold him. Of course I did. I wanted my son. The gave me this tiny little thing, wrapped in a blue blanket. He was so tiny! I had never seen a person so small before. He was absolutely perfect. His tiny little hand barely fit around the tip of my fingers. His little foot was no bigger than the top part of my finger. I couldn't believe everything about him was perfectly formed. I could tell he looked like his daddy. Same nose, same eye brows, he had my lips though. Perfect little cupid lips. I was just amazed to be looking at this little life my husband and I had created. It didn't even register on my radar that he was no longer living. I was in shock. The Dr and the nurse left us alone, so we could spend time with the baby. Jeremy refused to hold him, he just looked at him from the side of the bed. We had the pastor come in and dedicate him. We had him with us for about 3 or so hours. After awhile we decided it was time to let him go. I would have kept him with me forever if I could have. The nurse came in and wrapped him in a blanket and placed him in a wooden basket. We were told that we could see him any time we wanted. They were bringing my baby to the morgue. They were going to do an autopsy, and I told the nurse no, we couldn't see him anymore. We did not want to see him after him having that done. We couldn't. They moved us up to the 6Th floor, with the terminally ill patients. They did not want us within ear shot of the new mothers and babies. We were confused at first, but were thankful after. Jeremy crawled in my bed and we slept together in that tiny hospital bed that night. The next day reality had set in. The shock wore off and all I could do was cry. My whole life was torn apart in the matter of a day. everything that I had been living for was gone. My son was gone. Life as I knew it was over. How was I supposed to go on after this? What was I supposed to do with everything we had? Clothes, car seats, strollers, toys. Things that my baby was never going to use. I was to stay in the hospital for 4 days, to be on antibiotics. I got an infection in my amniotic sac and was pretty sick. Honestly, the next few days were a blur. Jeremy stayed pretty much the entire time with me. He did go home to shower and pack some clothes for me and him, but came right back. You know, in all the rush to get me to the hospital our house was left open. Lights turned on, doors unlocked, sliding glass door wide open. Thank God no one noticed! Jeremy hadn't been home for almost 2 days before he went back and saw what we had done! The day we left the hospital was horrible. I had bandages all over my arms from where they were trying to start an IV. I can remember waiting out front, Jeremy went to get the car. A couple with their brand new baby walked out. I lost it. I started bawling and they just looked at me like I was crazy. I was so heartbroken. I hated having to leave my baby. Hated knowing I'd never see him again. We had to go to the funeral home before we left. The funeral home! I never thought I'd be going to a funeral home for my own kid! We had to talk about his remains, decide what we wanted. Well, being a young Army family we didn't have extra money, and the director was kind enough to offer us free cremation. So, that was decided. We had to do what we had to do. I swear, walking around talking about this was like being in a fog. I don't even remember everything. Jeremy's boss was kind enough to give him 2 weeks off work. I remember just staying in bed for those 2 weeks. I don't think we went anywhere. The house was trashed because we just physically couldn't do anything. I can remember just wanting to die. the pain was almost too must to bear. No one should ever have to bear that cross. I couldn't understand why we had to. Why, if I was going to lose the baby, couldn't it have happened early, like the previous two? Why wait till I felt him and heard him? I thought God was just cruel. Everything I had known and believed of him, to me, was a lie. No one can make sense of it when it happens. I was so lost, for months, just lost in this little bubble I had created for myself. The only person I let in was Jeremy. No one knew what to say, so they said nothing, which actually hurts worse. I didn't know who I was anymore. I can remember the day we picked up his ashes. It took about 3 weeks or so to get him cremated. His little body was lost somewhere along the way. Actually, I don't think he was lost, I think the papers were, but we were told HE was lost. Anyways, Jeremy picked up his ashes on a Thursday afternoon. I couldn't go. I remember when he brought the little box in. It was so small! It was no bigger than a ring box. We asked a pastor from a church if he would go with us to spread his ashes. He took us to a nice little spot, said a prayer and Jeremy spread his ashes. That was so hard to witness, but I can't begin to tell you how at peace I felt, even if it was for just a little while. The months that followed were tormenting. Unless you have walked in the shoes of one of "us" you don't know the pain and anguish I felt. For months I still felt movement as though I were pregnant. They call them phantom kicks. I had insomnia, slept maybe 3 hours a night. I couldn't talk to any "friends" because no one understood. They questioned why I wouldn't go places where I knew either pregnant women would be or new babies would be. I couldn't make them understand my pain. Every time I saw someone and their precious baby my heart would break all over again. We had a room that had baby stuff in it. I don't think the door was opened for months, until we moved and had to pack it up.

Jeremy and I finally started moving on with our lives. The grief was getting a little easier to bear, and we decided one last time to try again. It had been 6 months since we lost Jeremiah. My DR was very understanding and very patient with us. I got pregnant right away and was put on medicine, but 7 weeks later I lost yet another baby. They had no explanation and wouldn't look for one either. That was in April 2003. We decided to sell all of our baby stuff that we had accumulated. I didn't want to go through the heartache any longer. I was content to live with my husband and our cats. Jeremy went off to Iraq in Nov 2003, and this helped us to open our hearts to the idea of a baby again. He got home in may 2004 and we decided to try again. I got pregnant in July 2004 and I begged to see someone who would help me. I guess God listened, he put me in the care of the head OB DR. She listened to me, read my records, and told me everything was wrong. She knew before she ever did tests what was wrong with me. She had blood drawn and sent away ASAP. She had very little time to work with. I was getting worried as I was coming up on being 8 weeks pregnant. She called me at home on a Saturday night and told me my diagnosis. I had MThFr. A blood clotting disorder! We finally had answers! We finally knew why I had had my 3 miscarriages, but Jeremiah was and still is a mystery. there was no reason I should have carried him as far along as I did. My only guess is that it was for some lesson I am supposed to learn. After almost 7 years I still don't know the lesson, but I am hoping it will be revealed to me at some point. Anyways, back to my pregnancy...I was to take extremely high doses of folic acid and baby aspirin daily until I delivered. things were going so well until I was 24 weeks pregnant. I went in for a routine u/s and wound up on bed rest. I was in pre term labor again! I was hysterical. All I could think about was Jeremiah, the pain, the heartbreak. I had moved past that and with just a few words was brought back to that day! I was in the hospital for 3 days, getting shots of steroids and magnesium. I was sent home with strict orders to stay off my feet. I had to quit my job, what friends I did have seemed to have abandoned me too. Jeremy and I were left to face this difficult time alone, yet again. We made it through though, and on April 13, 2005, at 39 weeks, my beautiful baby boy, Nathaniel, was born! I was so overjoyed! I can't say that he filled the void in our lives completely, but he filled up most of it. Our lives were finally complete. I did go through a bout of depression with him though, but I got help and life was OK. Nathaniel was our whole world for so long. I found out in Feb 2007 that I was expecting again! That pregnancy was filled with drama too. From the day I found out I was pregnant I had problems. I bled constantly. Finally after about 6 weeks of bleeding the Dr's discovered I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage. My OB was very optimistic and put our minds at ease. I was seen by both my OB and a perinatologist throughout the pregnancy, and things progressed well. On Nov 2, 2007 at 39 weeks, our baby girl, Bronwynn, was born! Our family was now complete. A boy and a girl, I couldn't have asked for anything better! Not a day goes by that I don't think of Jeremiah. I know I have heard him and felt his presence with me. I still don't know how I will tell my kid about their big brother. It's been 6 1/2 years since we said goodbye to him, and we still have yet to look at his pictures. I know what he looks like. Nathaniel favored him in so many ways when he was born. Same mouth, same nose, same eyebrows, same big toes, same ears, sane hairline. So, in my mind I picture him looking like Nathaniel. I still miss Jeremiah terribly, but I know that I will see him again some day. I have used my pain over his death to try to help others. When I hear of someone I "know" losing their babies I try my best to be there for them, to help them on this terrible journey. I have changed my plans for my career, hoping to become a L&D nurse, so I can be there when someone goes through this. I want to do more, but don't know where to begin that journey...