The fat blog...this was another blog first!

This blog started out as a completely different blog, about failure, and it kind of got turned into this rant, sorry!...so just ignore the first few sentences! Because man I sure do! I do most of the time. I am very hard on myself, and criticize myself for everything I do. I think I suck at being a wife and mother. I think the only thing I am good at is being a student, and even then I think I could do better. I wasn't always this way. I used to love myself. I used to love the way I was. Now? I literally hate myself. I want to be the Dawn I used to be. The Dawn who was never jaded by life. The Dawn who never knew what heartbreak was. I miss that Dawn. I miss myself. How do I find her again? I don't even know where to start looking. You know, I look at my kids and know what wonderful blessings they are, but I hate myself for not being happy, ya know? I hate the fact that I can't play with Nathaniel the way he wants. Why? because I am fat and it is uncomfortable to sit on the floor for that long. I can't run around outside with him. I can't do a lot of things, because of my weight. I look at my husband and think Man, he could do so much better than me. He deserves a wife that is able to do things. Me? I can't. And we know why too. I just said it a few sentences ago. My weight used to not bother me as much, but now, I am sooooooo disgusted with myself! I want to change, but I don't know how. Yes, it's easy to say watch what you eat, get some exercise, but in reality, that is not enough for someone like me. For someone who needs to lose 20 pounds, that's great! For someone who needs to lost about 200 pounds, not so great. OK, I don't think I need to lose 200, but you know what I mean. How did this turn into a fat blog? I dunno, lost my train of thought somewhere. I just want to be "normal", whatever normal is. I want to be unnoticed when I go out in public, unless I WANT to be noticed, ya know? I want to be able to shop in any store I want to, and not in the plus size section. I am tired of the looks, feeling scrutinized because of how I look. I'm tired of the laughs and sometimes the comments people have made. Why do people think it's OK to be rude to me because I am fat? Do I not have the same rights as everyone else? Am I less of a human being because of my weight? This is 2009. Some people need to grow up already! I beat myself up enough about my weight, I don't need complete strangers to help! I just want to be accepted like everyone else. The sooner people realize that fat people have feelings too, the better. We all seem jolly to you, but inside we aren't. Inside we hurt, a lot. We just try to hide it in front of you. Of course I can't speak for everyone, just myself, but I am willing to bet most people would agree with me.