Depression really does hurt

You've all seen that commercial for, I think, Cymbalta, talking about how depression hurts. It's true! Depression does hurt. I have suffered from depression for the last 7ish years, off and on. the off times are great! I am me when it is off. When it is on, I don't know who I am. My husband has stood by my side the entire time, but I can see it's taking a toll on him. I am now in one of the ON times of depression, and I need to find the switch to turn it back off, lose the switch and keep it lost. I hate being on. I want to stay off forever. Right now I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere, away from everybody I know, and just stay there until I wither away. I feel like I am no good to anybody. No good to my husband. No good to my kids. No good to my friends. I wonder, right now, what my purpose is. I KNOW it's the depression talking. I can rationalize that, but it takes over every emotion I have, squashing them until they all mesh into one. People looking from the outside don't usually see it, just the one closest to me, and I know how much it hurts him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I just want to be me again. I want to feel I have a purpose again. I want to know what happiness feels like again. I want to stop feeling so damn guilty for the way I feel. I want to be alive again.